Look, we all have our vices. Most are pretty easy to recognize, but I recently found out one of my main ones was somewhat of a hidden vice.
You now how people say “How did I not see it, it was right under my nose!?” Well this was one of those times. Except it wasn’t just under my nose. More like, it was my nose. Well my face. And my hair. And my skin tone. And my weight. And my clothes. And my makeup. And, my fingernails. And my toenails.
“Bailey, why do you need your toes painted? You're wearing close-toed shoes. No-one can see your toenails, it’s fine.”
“Shut up, I could lose a heel in a sidewalk grate. Why don't you mind your own toes, dude! Your’s grow hair!!!”
Sorry, that flashback got super personal. Sure I could delete it, but this is supposed to be real. I’m trying to be transparent y’all.
Anyways, yes! I admit it. Vanity is my vice! Thing is, they don’t have helpful programs like A.A. or anything like that for vanity. Oh, wait, yes they do, it’s called chemotherapy. I just got my 4-month chip.
I’m not thrilled to admit, but before all of this started, if you asked me what I valued most about my-self personally, honestly, I would have probably said something regarding appearance. Something superficial.
And even if I didn't admit it out loud, there was plenty of evidence that backed that fact up. Any disposable income I would donate to Sephora. Then after blowing money, I would waste my time checking my makeup countless times a day, making sure my hair was in place, and that these eyebrows were on fleek. Some of you men might not know this, but eyebrows don’t just fleek themselves. It’s a process. It takes time.
And look, I don’t do all of those things because I’m insecure or because I don’t feel like I’m beautiful without it. The truth is, I just thoroughly enjoy it! I get so much joy in making people feel and look their personal best every day, so why wouldn’t I take pride in myself!?
You have heard me say this over and over again, but the Lord has continued to humble me in ways I never thought imaginable. Well that is still the case and this was a BIG one for me.
After the shock of my initial diagnosis wore off, the very first place my mind went was vanity. I didn’t ask, “What am I going to feel like?” I went straight to “What am I going to look like!?” The idea of losing my hair truly terrified me. A hairdresser without hair? How does that work!? It would be like a dentist losing all of their teeth, or a… you know what, I think I’m going to stick with that analogy. It’s going to be hard to top it and honestly I like the visual.
Anyways, after a few tears and lot of talking I decided that this road would be easier to travel if I was the one steering. So, I decided to take control of as many things as I possible could throughout my journey.
Apparently my loved ones knew that the hair loss would be a tough pill for me to swallow, because not long after news spread, a friend of mine, or 2, or 6, or 15, had mentioned to me about the miracles of cold cap therapy. Naturally, I spent countless hours clicking and reading everything Google could provide on the subject.
Here’s what I learned. Cold caps are amazing miracles of technology. They work by using scalp hypothermia to prevent hair loss. This is done by cooling the scalp between -15º and -40º for a period of time before, during, and after each chemo treatment. You are supposed to wear the caps 50 minutes before treatment, then change them every 30 minutes during chemo. Oh, and then continue use the day after treatment.
The cost is anywhere from $400-$600 a month and that's usually not covered by insurance. Plus, as you can imagine, it is extremely painful and very tasking for your nurses and caregiver (Mitchell). I was scheduled to have 16 rounds of chemo over a 5+ month period. So as you can already guess, after a lot of discussion and prayer, I decided cold caps were not a realistic option for me.
My journey to baldness started when I cut my hair off into a cute little bob (shoutout to my sweet friend Lindsey Torres for the cut)! Then, thanks again to Krystal Sandefur Photography, I had some beautiful family pictures taken to document the journey with my hair!
After my second round it was time to shave it all. Like I said before, I wanted to be in control and I knew this was my last opportunity before I started to experience clumps Of hair falling out. It was important to me not to give this disease anymore power over my body than it had already taken. This was my hair and if it was coming off, I was going to be the one to do it. And I’m so glad I did!
Sounds crazy, but my head shaving party was one of the best days of my life, truly. I felt so empowered. So liberated. I knew I was making the decision to tackle this cancer head on and not let one second take control of me. I was surrounded by my family and my very best friends. It was very emotional, but never once did I feel like I was losing part of myself, which at the beginning was the thing I was most afraid of. That and the initial look of my 3 year old since she has only ever seen me with hair down my back!
Fast forward to today, 4 months later and my hair is starting to come back! I mean, I look like a damn chia pet, oh, and it’s blonde. But hey, I’m a hairdresser with hair again! It’s all downhill from here right! Nope.
I thought we were done with the cruelty of hair loss, I really, really did. I was wrong. After completing 7 rounds of chemotherapy, just last week all of my eyelashes decided to fall out. Just up and jumped off my eyelids out of nowhere.
This was a tough one for me. Imagine, doing your nightly skin care regimen, washing your face, only to look up and have eyelashes ALL over your face.
Needless to say I cried a lot that night. And then I realized that I couldn’t feel those tears on my eyelashes and I cried some more. Guys, it hit me like a freight train. Up until that moment cancer was just a word. But in this moment, and for the first time, I actually felt and looked like a cancer patient. Something I’ve been trying to avoid since diagnosis. But why? I mean, I AM literally a cancer patient. It took losing some dumb eye-lashes to clear my view so that I could finally embrace that fact (just kidding eyelashes, you’re not dumb, please come back!!!!!).
There are no words to explain the emotional roller coaster I have been on. I look back on pictures and barely recognize myself. A lot has changed in 4 months, but one thing that hasn’t and won’t is my heart (except when prednisone turns me in to a real B a few days after chemo 🤪 Love you Husband).
My joy for all things is greater than ever. My laugh is still infectious, it still occasionally comes with a snort, my smile still lights up a room, and my jokes continue to fail miserably hahahah.
The point is, I am still me. Because there is nothing in this world that can take away who I am and who we all are in Christ. We are exactly who He designed us to be. Our society puts so much importance on appearance that we all (at least I do) feel the need to live up to the visual standards of people who have far more time, personal assistants and money. But, what about their heart?
We have to stop comparing ourselves to others and really dig deep into our own identity. I still do my makeup, because I love make-up and I’m proud of my skills, but I’m no longer afraid to be seen in public bare faced and in my Walmart clothes (just ask the moms from Tyler’s dance class ha!). I wear wigs and turbans on occasion, but I also feel confident showing off these glorious micro-hairs.
More times than not I go out without hair because I want to be a billboard for other women (and men) that screams it’s OKAY to be who you are! Be real! Be authentic! Own it! It’s funny because often, people don’t even realize I’m “sick.” They just compliment me on my “edgy haircut!” I usually just respond with “Thank you, I’m channeling my inner Amber Rose.” 😂
I am a cancer patient and I have been since January 15th. I have tried to push that term to the back, but that is exactly what I am. It’s just not WHO I am.
I am a believer.
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a friend.
I am a WARRIOR.
Every single day during this fight is a battle. A lot of times I forget that. This bald head, no eyelashed body my Lord manifested will continue this beautiful fight. Because every day I get up out of bed and smile I beat cancer. So, I refuse to do anything but praise this body. Every weird hair, every weight gain or loss, every inch of cellulite, every blemish, all of it.
This body of mine was a gift from God and everyday it is saving my life. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I am alive right now by the miracles of God, western medicine, prayer, and THIS body. How could I do anything else but love it?
TLDR: Love yo self.
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