It’s been a year.
A year since the most life changing day I have ever had. I’ll never forget sitting alone in a conference room anxiously awaiting Mitchell’s arrival after my mammogram, and in a matter of seconds our world was flipped upside down.
“We won’t have the results for a couple of days, but I am almost certain this is cancer.”
“Cancer? Okay, I have cancer. It’s okay, it’s going to be… Wait, what?! CANCER?!!!”
Yup, at 27 years old with absolutely no family history. Oh and as it turned out, there was news of a second, completely unrelated cancer waiting in the wings!
Y’all, when I say god is good, he is SO SO good. But, emotions are scary. I’m not going to lie, there have been times this past year when I let the enemy succeed in his mission to steal, kill, and destroy in my life.
I’ve have been scared, happy, sad, depressed, lonely, loved. If I wore a mood ring that thing would look like a strobe light. At my best times, I felt unbelievably blessed because I know God is using me for something far greater than my pain or suffering. At my worst, I felt as if I were in the middle of my own Super-Villain origin story.
I knew this process would be hard but the worst pains have been in places that won’t show up on any scans or lab results. I have feared for my life, my marriage, my ability to mother my kids. I was a roller coaster, and at any given day and time the chain could snap. I felt like a monster, with absolutely no control over my emotions. They say to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, well apparently my tunnel was a cave.
I was 4 months postpartum diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. I was a WRECK.
There were days where I felt like I couldn’t go on much longer, when I tell you I’ve seen some dark days....I’ve seen some REALLY dark days. I didn’t know if I’d be here to watch my kids grow up, to love and serve my husband, to watch my sister get married. I was lost. And I was losing it. Luckily I have the map that will always bring me back to the path for my mental and physical freedom.
To say I am a strong proponent of mental health would be an understatement. Right now, in this very moment, I am the BEST version of myself I think I have ever been. I have continued to lay down my burdens at the feet of Jesus and LEAVE them there, I also take this little white pill every night that contributes to this contentment ha!
And look, this wasn’t necessarily a new feeling I could blame on cancer. I have always struggled with anxiety. In fact, it was my anxiety that saved my life. The only reason I had a mammogram is because I went to get on anxiety medicine. I was living with 10,000 people and animals and I just felt like I was drowning. On my way to see my PCP, my husband pleaded with me “please ask your doctor one more time about that lump” so yeah, “go team anxiety!”
There are A LOT of things that God has revealed to me over this past year. He’s taught me that it’s okay to struggle. And that it’s okay to NOT be okay. It’s okay to need medicine. It’s NOT okay to suppress your feelings and emotions and to accept that you were meant to struggle.
If you’re struggling today, I want you to know you’re are loved and you are not alone. You have the most important, powerful being in the Universe in your corner ready to fight for you whenever you tag his hand. He sees you. He hears you. He’s there for you.
So, please, let yourself feel that love. And don’t be ashamed to get help. I believe our God is greater than depression, than anxiety, than cancer, than ALL of the things. He has surrounded us with scripture, people, and medicine that can help us through even the deepest and darkest of cave tunnels. Find what combination work for you but just know that they are all three God’s creations and they are all three here to help YOU.
I can say confidently that my faith and trust in Jesus got me through my cancer journey. They allowed my body to fight at full strength. But obviously I was also blessed with help from a fantastic medical team, brilliant surgeons, and chemotherapy. At at each of the stops along the way, He reminded me, He was good and He was there.
We all struggle in different areas and in different ways. There’s no quick fix Pill that can heal all of the problems in the world but there is a God who can.
A God who will fight for you, when you can’t fight for yourself. A God who will love you as you are (even if your take Lexapro every night). A God who will provide new mercies every morning. A God who sees you, hears you and LOVES you so big.
I had someone tell me “looking at you, you would never know the year you’ve had” I want you all to remember that when you’re looking at someone. You have NO idea the demons some of the people you see have been facing. And how hard they have worked to show you that smile.
So please, just love people, dude. And love them so so so HARD. Especially those that are hard to love. Thank you to everyone who loved me while I was finding out how to navigate my life through cancer. It’s been a year.
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